17. Love & Friends

To Neha...

I was newly in love with a girl who was scared of the mirror.

A traveller in search for the true meaning of life, I never knew that life was waiting for me right at home.

She was married. And she was happily married. And not to me. But I couldn't regret that.

Her happiness was evident in the deep dimples on her cheeks that never showed signs of relenting. Her smile would come fast and suddenly, like the sudden bright rays of the sun peeking from behind heavy clouds, and dissipating all gloom. Her smile had that power of illuminating my existence, robbing me of all my despair and grief, and my senses too.

But she never really saw herself in the mirror. She could never understand what I saw in her. Every time she stood before that silvered glass, all she'd see was a thin and lanky girl, with nothing attractive whatsoever, no talents, no looks, nothing.

And I would gape in awe. Sometimes. At other times, I would burst out in anger.

How could she not see what she really was. A brave, beautiful and insightful woman. How easily frustrated she could make me with her denials about herself. And I would become angrier for I couldn't show her, what she really was, how I beheld her! How I wished I could let her see herself through my eyes. She would never believe that she was beautiful, that I honestly thought so. She didn't like being praised, she didn't like being told that she was the light of my life. But she knew I loved her and that's all she would ever accept from me.

The mystery of it all was that she loved me too. Almost as much as she loved her husband. I knew that. But still it was different. There was something spiritual, almost primal in our strange love story. She couldn't do without me, like I couldn't do without her. But there was a difference.

A stark difference in that, that we had never seen each other.

Were we just a figment of our each others' imaginations? Or did we really exist?

Even if we didn't, our love did. I know it did. It was written in every word uttered, in every word that spilled out from our hearts. It was there in the mornings when we found solace in each other. It was there in the outraged anger at the injustice towards the other. It was bright in the words we left for the world to see. It was there in how it was us or neither. It was there when we took every single stride together. Her excitement in my achievement, my happiness in hers. Her pride in how I would change the world and my secret pride in how she made the world beautiful. Our co-ordinated actions through out the day, missing the other madly. Our loved shined in every moment that we spent together and away from each other.

But I was a mere human in love with a Goddess, I had my moments of failings too, moments that tarnished the purity of our love. Moments of viciousness, of a murderous intent. Why didn't I know her first?!

And moments of weakness, when I turned away from her in my life. I didn't love any other as much, but I needed to be consoled, to heal when my love was with her husband. And I capitulated always, out of anger, bitterness and jealousy, and a want for what I didn't have. Missing her was a pain that made me too human. The thought of disappointing her, losing her was a raging fire within. And all impossible to bear!

But she was always there. In my mind, my heart, my soul. This strange world didn't exist without her.

But I could never have her. And not because she was in love with her husband. There was a much graver problem. An unscalable one. Us. What we were.

---

From Neha....

She was an ordinary girl; living in her own world. There was nothing special about her whatsoever.


She never cared about the mirror that reflected her thin and lanky figure. That glass failed to show her inner simplicity hidden inside her flesh. She knew that beauty cannot be seen ever. It is something to be felt; something to be experienced; the feeling of feeling special was the real beauty.


Her life revolved around her husband. She felt beautiful in his presence; he made her feel so. Nothing else mattered. For her, this was love; this was the only form of sacred love existed between two people not related to each other; until she received that letter from someone who was just a friend then. It was a letter that reflected the heart and soul of the writer. The words were simple; yet they touched her deep inside. She felt as if the writer was talking to her in person; each word came alive when she read further; each word was like a music playing all along; emotions played in her heart like ocean waves on a stormy night; like desert sand that flew in the air after an ostrich ran for oasis; so intense yet so soothing; she felt for the first time that she had met her inner self.


She was in love yet again; love that was spiritual and primal; love that made her complete in its own sense; yet the feeling of being complete inside made her feel incomplete outside; as she had never met her love. She didn’t know how her love looked like. But it didn’t matter; for she knew her inner self was much more beautiful than her. She was in love with someone else too; she realized this relationship was as sacred as the one with her husband; yet it was different. She was in love with another lady. Not for her physical beauty or inner strength; but for what she is. How well they knew each other; how well they understood each other; so far yet in each other’s heart; so strange yet so divine.


She needed her when she was very happy, she was her need when the world turned against her; she needed her when she felt weak after taking those attacks, she needed her when she needed her inner self. She felt happy at her achievements like they were hers, she felt sad when somebody hurt her; how she wanted to get back to those then. She felt jealous when her love turned to another lady; she wished her love understood she had certain duties; duties she had to fulfill; duties towards her husband. But those duties never made their bond weak; she was not weak; nor could she see her love becoming weak and going to someone else.


Her love was special and most beautiful; she was the one who made that thin and lanky girl feel special with her presence. She was the mirror that showed one’s inner self.


They could not have each other for what they were. But did it really matter? They were one; nobody could separate one’s inner self from anybody…


PS: G, this is not even close to what you wrote about us; so don't be disappointed after reading this..

16. For G, With love :) [Neha's to Me]

Dearest G,

You know I love you right? :)

I so wanted to do something really very special for you; something that would convey what you mean to me. But I guess you already know that. I had to literally murder my desire to make you feel on top of the world; as that would have embarrassed you to the core and spoiled your entire day (well, almost). Sigh!

I even thought of writing a post for you and publish it where nobody can see or read it; but again, didn’t know what to write. There is nothing that you don’t know.

Why am I sounding so boring and old? But I don’t know what else to write or say ‘cos you know everything already. And I do want to write something for you, as this is the only way I can convey my wishes to you. Not that I cannot speak with you, but the shy you and shy me are usually at our leg pulling and (honest) buttering best over the phone.

You know what I miss discussing the most? I miss discussing our conversations that we could have had if we were together at the same place. I miss calling us a crazy duo in person. I sometimes hate this distance so much, as it makes me realize that you are not reachable. I hate this helplessness. There are times when I just want to dial your number and shout out my frustration, but I restrain thinking I disturb you all the time.

You know there was this period when TM had got a call and you hadn’t; and you were trying your level best to put up that mask of bravado on your face, but could hide the anxiety from your voice. I could feel you getting more and more nervous and disheartened by each passing moment. You and I knew that you would for sure get a call; but the path between belief and assurance was wider, longer and more difficult than we had anticipated.

When you updated your status one evening saying “okay, it is yet to sink in” and I knew you had got through! I was as happy, if not more, as you. But at that time; one more thought started disturbing me from within – the thought of you going even more away from me. Now at least I can call and speak with you whenever I want; but the stupid me thinks that I will lose you :P I mean, the distance will be widened even more na. But I am happy for you at the same time :)

You know, I love those pokes from you, I love those chats with you, I love to sms you even the smallest of the detail, I hate it when somebody does something to hurt you intentionally or unintentionally; but how I want to get back to them for this, how I want to slap them for that and how I want to hug you and secure you and protect you.

I don’t know whether this is all for real or not; but I know one thing for sure – I really love you the way you are and for what you are. Though you will be really really far from me; but remember I am just a call away. Love ya loads ♥

Wish you once again a very happy birthday :)

PS: I lost the flow of this one completely. So it will run here and there when you read it; hope you will forgive me for this one :P

15. Tears and Smiles

I would have cried if I could, 
Cleansing tears and bottomless joys... 

But instead I smile 
And keep all bottled inside.
The tear from the left eye,
And the tear from the right-
Am I just sad, or happily alive?
You have seen me teary-eyes,
And in the jumping-with-joy kind-
Such I haven't known me
But do you still love me?
Am I despicable, or just ignored
When I betray me hapless, utter weakness?
The weakness was my weakness,
When I could not stem the tears,
Smiles wavered and broke into fears
When the dams didn't hold,
Before your eyes it would unfold-
I cry. I cry. I cry.
Bewildered, it was later,
When in your arms was I cradled,
I am not less, I am more,
Because I can feel
Because I can be
Because I am me.
Because it was you.




P.S. Confusing truth. Liberating confusion. Cherished Liberty.

14. An Old Story [Dated: 9th April 2009]

My first impulse was to write about these last days in my Masters, of being a student, of doing classes in a classroom. But I never have been good in being sad... and given the instances of the love lost between us fellow classmates... i don't even have the urge to write about it now. I will write someday and here only but not yet... let time and age first dull away the few poor and bitter memories... right now i'm sufferin' from hell of a hangover!

Right now i'm not sad about sayin' goodbye to all the (selective) wonderful people (close friends or not... sometimes the latter is better, especially if one tends to be gullible!) i've come across in my Department or our cherished Canteen (both of which really feels like home away from home!) because i know wherever we may be letting off, we'd be parting with all good thoughts and the wish in heart, that somehow or the other we'll be in touch... because i'd know, if we chance across each other some-far-away-day, by a road, we'll know each other and smile, talk and remember... because i believe we'll remember each one of us, no matter who we are, where we are and what we are...

Some hopes never change, you'll think with that matured and practical mind of yours, that childish dream which maybe even you had envisioned while leavin' school or college and know to be a thing that never comes true... but i do dream about that perfect world, and hope... (Don't tell me to grow up... being practical and rational is not one of my favourite things!)

Anyways, being maudlin is neither my style nor am i comfortable with it. Being happy, to me is my birth right... and i agree to duel anyone who says otherwise (verbal sparrin' only, please). It's my life and i refuse to spend it being despondent.

CAUTION: From here on this has progressively become more personal... if you have any qualms or have any tendency to be queasy over mushy stuff, take a U-turn... Keep off!!!

But then there goes my bluster... even i get so down sometimes that i cannot bear the weight of it. Then maybe it's because the experience is very new... for i never knew that love can be such that even the prospect of being away from the one feels like, like something's tearing and clawing at you from within, it's like being burned, scorched, only the wound doesn't show and there's no relief from the agony, for it's in the core of you, in the very essence of you!

I won't be upset, i won't be cryin', what is a year in a whole lifetime? There's the phone, Internet and what not, so what's the fuss! I will be talking to you on the phone, over the web cam, able to see you on my screen, hear your voice and...... i will want... i'll want to cross continents, to touch your face, that faint dimple on your cheek, the crinkles at the corner of your eyes when you smile... i will be wishin' for your arms to be around me, protecting me, sheltering me and loving me... A year will be gone in a blink of an eye and there we'll be, right next to each other in person. But i wonder, what will i do in that blink of an eye, in that moment... it's always your face i see beneath the closed eyelids, and crave to touch... And that moment will be longest of my life, if i can live through that, i'll live through anything. Sayin' soothin', big words are part of my attitude but whatever i say, all the platitudes are just that - platitudes... but please believe them, at least pretend to... those are more for my benefit than yours, love...

Hey, do you know what is the most important thing to me, love? You know what it is... (and no guys, you didn't guess right...) but the fact of the matter is i will fight away all of these, 'cause i know you hurt as much as i do, and i'd hate for you to hurt more thinkin' i'm sad (it is the same for me, too). So, no better incentive for me to stop here right now... but then you know, however glum i may become, i am happy for i have you. And since you are smiling as you read and yet feelin' that inexplicable sadness creep over you... let me get rid of the latter... honey, i am here for keeps, this naggin' "part" of your life is here to stay... and just a year and no more, i'm not gonna' give you that much space, hon'!!!

P.S. I didn't write this to make you sad, but just needed to. I'm going to delete this post anyway. I won't ever say it won't be hard being away from each other, but it's way better than not havin' what we found and have. And then don't at all be sad, after all what's just a year in a lifetime, our lifetime!!!

Be with me, love, G. (I can be brave, you know)

P.P.S. A story unfinished. Plans changed. Some knew, read these words, words of my hart, understood my pain. Today we are going to be together in our journey except that one month stretching over miles. A year to a month, not too bad. Even in different cities, being near you on the same continent, I will settle for that. For now. (29th June 2010)

13. A Month From Today

I promised I won't cry. Of course, I won't. 
What's a few days in a lifetime?

But seeing you on the hard, glowing surface, 
What will I do when I want to touch you? 

Reach out and brush my fingertips...

Only to meet the hardness, unwanted.

What shall I do, when the urge builds

To gather you in my arms, and not let go?

Every moment spent away from you, wasted

Every moment built towards when I'll next hear your voice

Every moment passed brings nearer the continents between us

On another side of the world, you will be

Me joining you there seems so far

Of course I won't cry, What's there to cry?

But what shall I do, when I miss you?

When I yearn for you?

When I need you here?

Over-reaction you'll say. I think so too.

But tell that to my heart, that never listens to my mind

Keeps feeling what need not be felt.

I know the logic, the practical of life.

But I never understand how to be away from you, and survive.

P.S. Words flow when it's about you. But never are enough for what is in me. Just wondering and thinking about today and the date, a month from now. 

12. Little Thoughts

It is so easy when it is you I am talking about. The thorns don't disappear, but the fragrance of the roses remain, vivid and real as I walk along the path, no more bare-footed but shielded against the harshness of the some-broken but paved path. Life is so much more fun when I have you as my witness to all my trials and tribulations, joys and happiness, success and revelations.

I have never been in love before. But it is as if I have always loved you.

You make me feel like I can fly...

Some old lines penned so casually, but felt so deep within...........

Crude yet simple
No complications, no strife
A new page, a new leaf
A newly discovered life...
~
A little of a lot

Or a lot of a little

Wanting never ceases

Nor the need goes

Can feel the shivers spreading

From my heart to my toes...

~

My mind barely agrees

The heart rarely relents

But they never argue

When I dream about you...

~

I dream with closed eyes

I fantasize with them open

And you didn't reach them

But surpassed, and deepen...

With Love.

11. Either-Or?

People and their idiosyncrasies. Some have really passed the point where they can just be excused as the eccentricities of the different.

An individual cannot have a favourite sport if his nation (country of citizenship, rarely of birth, after all the latter is something we are always trying to live down) doesn't participate in it. To hell, with rest of the world.


And of course, just because you're following the other sport, it is understood that you are unaware of the glory that your nation brings you. You just cannot if you enjoy a sport in which your nation doesn't participate. Didn't you know, your attention and information span doesn't even cover the range of a teaspoon?

Then, you cannot laud your favourite sport without demeaning another just because the one that is your favourite has been (for now or always had been) overshadowed by the other sport! So snub the others who don't share your favourite. Otherwise how else will your choice gain prominence over others?

It always comes down to comparisons and a case of either-or, so challenged we are in our outlooks that we do not understand that there is room for more than one interest in our lives. And of course, another person doesn't come and agree with us, we have to challenge them, we are nothing on our own. Always seeking approval for what we like, what we believe, what we are (?)... Do they even understand how their own mindsets come across?

What will it take to broaden the outlook? To understand the sun doesn't rise and set with your choices or ideas... What will it take to understand that it is not about right/wrong or either/or but there can be so many combinations of individuals other than the high-and-mighty you?

10. After-Before

Why do all the Women (heroines) in Indian serials (and movies) after getting married (fighting a losing battle, trudging across so many tribulations) always change into an entire different persona than before?

Why do they have to give up on the jeans and the trousers, and kurtas and tops always to start wearing only the sarees, in the most traditional way, in the most traditional look as if   given that, no one doubts the authenticity or the integrity of the bahu?

Is it that, with big words spouting of our mouths, we haven't really changed an iota in our outlook towards the women of our society? Are we no better than before? Do the "dress-codes" still make us judge the women accordingly? Is there still no freedom? Is it a true reflection of our own attitude towards the brides and daughters-in-law?