40. Heading back

I could pause in my stride and not care what tomorrow's going to bring. But stop to look around and see how beautiful the day was. Grey skies were beautiful, every little thing detailed and brightened by the diffused light coming off the sun crouching behind veils of dark clouds.

I was going home. To family, to friends, to people and places I have known all my life. To the language that  is melody, that falls softly, simply off my lips. Oh, the lure of the soil. I am going home to my mother, my country.

39. You are what I need

There was despair and darkness
And the rotten stench of death
Born out of misery of the heart
And the terrors in disguise
That broke everything apart
The faith, the dreams, the lost love
All felled down by misplaced trust
Given to one who never deserved
To one who wasn’t You
You, who was The One,
The one waiting for me too.
It is you who I have loved
With every breath of life
Even before I knew what love meant
What it meant to live
To die for the one unto death
You didn’t heal my wounds with a charm
It was as if there were no wound, no harm
You were my sun in the crushing darkness
You were my vision in utter blindness
You gave me life when life gave me up
The world righted itself when you took me in your arms
But even before I knew that I was your The One
I knew, you were mine  - the night we watched the stars
I knew I loved you whether you did or not
And I knew that’s what was meant, from eternity and time
One day, I had hoped, I would come for you
Unscathed, healed and pure
And show you my love, my victory galore
But you smiled and said
You are pure, and I heal you
With love that you showed me
I finally knew
I never had really known what love was
Until I saw it in your eyes
Unscathed, healed and pure I was
My misplaced love returned home
It’s you who I have loved for all time
It’s you to whom I have always belonged
This was my song, my tribute to you
I only have the words in me
To give to you, my love
I have no tune to add
But then I remember,
It’s you who are my Music
My Universe, My God.

Yes, I should tell you
I love you unto death
And after, and beyond.
I do. I do.
______________________________________________________

38. Happiness

The funny thing is the moment  I started thinking “happy”, they piled on, spilled over, paraded in by the dozen, hundreds, thousands and countless…

Like a young river overflowing in the rains, happy to be flowing that it bounces and dances over the rocks… the rocks that instead of hurting makes it froth, foam and splash into cheerful waves as the young river runs forth and ahead, ever continuing on its journey, restless and excited.

Freedom and happiness are two states of mind. The day I started enumerating the reasons that made me happy, I realize today that the exercise that was meant for me to appreciate (and one day, teach my kids to, too) life and measure it in small blessings, that exercise of thinking of the good things brought forth another barrage of good things.

I had just been wondering, how have been so lucky? When today I realized, I brought it for me.

It all comes down again to the simple mantra I know, I talk about, I show-off… All you have to do is believe.

Today – I am happy to find out nothing, no one but me is responsible for my happiness. I was happy today to have found my smile. Within me.

Plus, I am going dancing… !!

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37. The Birthday Reminder

from      Neha to     Sreya cc     Vidhupriya date     Thu, Mar 10, 2011 at 1:30 PM (EST) subject     Happy Birthday MM

hide details 1:30 PM (9 hours ago)

2 years! Phew! Time flies. I remember writing 100th post for this wonderful blog, which is or I should say who is 2 year old now.

171 published posts, and I feel proud to say that I have read each word written on MM. All these 171 posts, been a part of so many of them. Guria and I used to plan and plot many write ups, short stories, blogs (yes, we had started KickAss blog, which eventually went dormant thanks to lack of time wala excuse) and an E-magazine. Shrikant helped us out immensely in almost all our ventures.

Now when I think of that time, I feel sad. We are all busy with our lives, no time to do such vellapanti activities. I miss those useless convos with Guria about anything and nothing, how we supported each other when someone turned against us, how we protected each other all the time, how upset we were when we were part of rival teams in contests, how happy I was when I lost to her, how sad I was when she got eliminated. She shared exactly the opposite emotions! Ah, we are crazy!

Now a days, both of us lack time. We rarely blog, we rarely read or leave a comment, rarely talk; but whenever we do, we usually end up talking our hearts out and compensate for those empty days of no talking. We keep dragging each other in our posts too,which all of you fail to notice as you never read beyond words :P (ah, I am mean). Now don't dig our archives as even if you try, you won't find anything as to get that, you have to be either Guria or Neha.
 Sigh! I have got so used to rant all the time that I started it here too; that too on today's day! All I wanted to do was wish her and congratulate her for this wonderful day. Blog is the most important thing of my life today as I found so much through blogs. Guria is one of such precious gifts.


I miss her a lot. And who knows it better than V - the suffering one as she has to hear me out all the time when I keep ranting about how much I miss Guria, what all kidas we did, how hurt or happy we were and such. When I met V, that time too, I must have mentioned Guria at least 10 times a day! Ah, I so wish she was with us too.

Many many congratulations G. For completing two glorious years. I love you. And I promise you that we will meet soon. It's been long overdue. Miss you girl. Loads of love and hugs.

PS: Sorry for the terrible post :( This is STRICTLY for you and not your blog. so don't publish it

36. This Day Two Years Ago

I have been thinking so much about you. You know that, don't you. And I forgot what day it was. It is the day, two years ago, when you left us. I can't ever forget what that day was like. I was blossoming in the midst of my happiness when you took your last breath. Sometimes I wish I wasn't the last person to come to know of the terrible truth, that I was there when the angry winds brought in the tidings but other times, I forget that these two times, my happy and the transpired unhappy happened at the same time at all.

I just hope you can see us from wherever you are. If not anything, hope where you are now gives you the freedom to look at the love that lives on for you, the love that you inspired in all of us. Then, you must also know that it is not only today that we think of you but that you are never too far away from the conscious edges of our minds, and always there in our hearts. Hope you are in peace and are happy with all that you accomplished in your journey to this magnificent world. I hope you can look at your beloved mother and be near her in spirit, with you looking out for her this time, from above. Wherever you are or will be, I want you to be happy and with us in hearts, yours meshed into ours. 

On this day two years ago, you had to leave us. And on this day I tell you, you can never leave us, you stay on in our thoughts, our words, our still-beating hearts as it's your love that keeps us going, that is eternal.

---

P.S. One day, I will tell you how it was my dream that you would be the one to give me away as a bride. Only I had never known that was to remain just a wish. I'll miss you worse when I finally become a bride.

I still wish you were here... 

Sometimes I still wish that the real story is that you are a Secret Agent and had to go undercover without telling your family. That you are still in this world, around here somewhere, just lurking out of sight.

35. If you had been here when I came to this new land

How often it is that I think of you and how it would have been if you'd been here when I came to this new land.

In the wisps of fleeting fragments of half-formed thoughts, I think i always have known, this land would have been closer to a home than it ever can be. But that chance was lost. Not so long back. With you.

And all that I have left are memories. Of you. Of those precious few moments, some regrets, some lessons, and words. And the illustrations of a creative mind with no outlets, of all that would have been.

The love still shines on. On all of us. Like I believe you do, with every rising sun. Stay with us. Don't leave again.

34. Foolish Pride

I wish I could confess I was jealous. And tell you I am not in control of my sensibilities to be able to talk to you. As much as I wouldn't want to hurt you, I would not want to make a fool out of me. Is it wrong of me to be scared... the stupid fear, the irrational thought that you will not care, that you will forget... That I am dispensable. 

I don't care that I am being foolish but my pride is all that is mine. So, I will not let you just leave me staring after you in the middle of the dusty, empty road, I will not let you walk away feeling sorry for me. I'll never let you know that I care that you stay and would hurt when you don't. So I will let you walk away and stare the other way as if I don't know you are here. And that way you won't see my tears.

But when does this end I don't know... What if you never intend to go away... I don't care, I am not brave enough to open up to you and us, I can't make myself vulnerable, I can't bare my heart.... All I keep thinking is "no one's gonna' think of you but you", and never let her know she can hurt you, that you feel alone without, that you are scared to be seen through and discarded without a thought... I protect nothing but my heart... telling it lies, telling it, if it happens, it never mattered... only my heart's smarter...

For the hurt that I wait for, what I think is inevitable... I can't walk up to you today and say, I have been jealous, and a possessive freak, I have been a fool but you are all that ever mattered, and that's all that matters.

But the pride interferes, the fear says no one can love you, so it says, I don't need your love. Or you.

My pride like the little lost child, lies.

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33. What I wish I could say - I

People come and people go and as their lives touches ours, however infinitesimally, something changes irrevocably in us, and always for the better and we grow as a human being.

The words that escape me, lending voice to what my heart weaves and my head simplifies, have always been easy when they come from my fingers. And strangely enough words that I speak are not even close enough. I can never say. I am an introvert who cannot speak her heart even when she wants to. Oftentimes misunderstood, like possibly several of the kind, in my ability to mean something and enunciate something entirely different when with someone where the relationship is not just personal but symbiotic, social or professional.

But am I really an introvert? I can't say aloud but I can write! I always could write what I couldn't say, even if I wouldn't choose to give them words. So here is where I seek refuge.

---

K,

        I have admired you from afar. Hero-worshipped wouldn't be too wrong a word. For what you had achieved and of course, the work you did. But strangely enough I didn't know of the fame you'd been gathering. I started reading on your work because it was what I wanted to do, I realized. That part was a professional move, a career dream, to do what you will be motivated in.
        Then I met you. You gave me a chance for a thing that comes to you only once in life. You gave me a chance when others would have found reasons to turn me away. And i was going to make the best of it!
        I tripped so many times in my quest to impress you. Unsure of what you might be looking for, or indeed when you were looking on closely. I wanted to show you, you will never be disappointed in me. Because I am able and capable. I believe it.
        You are also my ideal as a woman. The career you have made, the family you nurture and the human being you are. Conversations with you has always been inspiring. Your nod of approval, always with a smile has always made me happy, made me feel I can push my limits farther. Your help, your insights and the faith you have shown in me has made me want to achieve much, much more than I had initially set out to do. It is now that I feel that I can do more, so much more and make you feel proud that I am your protégé.
        You are such an amazing person, a boss that reflects in the people who work for you, the family at the workplace, a throng of people from all parts of the world knitted so beautifully together.
        They say, you are too kind. So I have seen. I don't want it to be kindness towards me that will let me stay on but the faith that I will be great for all of us. But then I think even if it is just kindness for the time being, I'll take it as another chance to prove to you that I am, I will be an asset, to you, to us, to what you have created, something you'll always be glad about.
        It is your workplace, the only place thousands of miles away from the only home I have ever known that makes the journey worthwhile. All the times spent on this continent with T notwithstanding, this is where I feel happy.
        There is no other place, no other boss I'd rather work for in the next few years for my cherished degree.

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32. More Gifts

Anniversary. For the day from when we have been together. It is sweetly embarrassing for me, but still so cherished. With everyone getting married around us, I'm not sure what I feel - jealous or sorry! But marriage is not the thing for you and I right now, and that's fine with me. As if marriage could give me what I yearn for most. You. 

But our anniversary was special. On the day, we both forgot!

What a riot! We laughed and cursed across hundreds of miles. Not that remembering would have changed a lot of things. But still...

But my gift arrived two weeks later. I could give so many chances at guessing. 

Jewelery? Clothes? Flowers? Chocolates?

Sometimes I find it disbelieving that I thought I knew what love should be like, is really like. I like any other girl would have be perfectly happy with either of the above. And wouldn't seek any deeper. But you showed me I cannot even fathom where the love even begins, forget where it goes on to...

You knew what I wanted, what I missed, you knew what I needed even when I didn't even say it aloud to myself!

This anniversary I got Harry Potter: The Complete Series.

I don't know what to say after that....

31. Mere Humans

It is human fallacy. Trapped in the machinations of a power I'd bow to, I'd understand but still let it take me under.

Time. How it crawls when you'd want nothing more than it to just speed up and take you away from where you don't want to be or take you to where you badly want to be! And how does it runs faster and faster, galloping away when you want nothing better than it to stop, stop and stay till you had your limitless fill!

There was a time when I used to just hear your voice. And I wished I could see you. Now that I see you, and hear you, I want to touch you. Just a fingertip across your smiling face. Just a single moment.

But I know that will not be enough. Now I know better. I want you, not just hear, not just see, not a single touch. But with me,wrapped around me! For now to eternity.

Is it human fallacy alone when I know it, understand it and welcome it? Is it a power over me or do I hold the power over it. That's what love does to you. Who said love makes you weak?

My love for you is my strength. My yearning for you.

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30. To the Musician of My Life

You never thought about 'Greatness'
You only ever thought about the 'Music'
And that's when I found the 'Greatness' in you...

Nothing needs to change...

Let your love and faith in
Music play on
And let my conviction in your
'Greatness' achieve its heights...

You don't have to believe me,
I believe what I saw in You
when I fell in Love....

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