34. Foolish Pride

I wish I could confess I was jealous. And tell you I am not in control of my sensibilities to be able to talk to you. As much as I wouldn't want to hurt you, I would not want to make a fool out of me. Is it wrong of me to be scared... the stupid fear, the irrational thought that you will not care, that you will forget... That I am dispensable. 

I don't care that I am being foolish but my pride is all that is mine. So, I will not let you just leave me staring after you in the middle of the dusty, empty road, I will not let you walk away feeling sorry for me. I'll never let you know that I care that you stay and would hurt when you don't. So I will let you walk away and stare the other way as if I don't know you are here. And that way you won't see my tears.

But when does this end I don't know... What if you never intend to go away... I don't care, I am not brave enough to open up to you and us, I can't make myself vulnerable, I can't bare my heart.... All I keep thinking is "no one's gonna' think of you but you", and never let her know she can hurt you, that you feel alone without, that you are scared to be seen through and discarded without a thought... I protect nothing but my heart... telling it lies, telling it, if it happens, it never mattered... only my heart's smarter...

For the hurt that I wait for, what I think is inevitable... I can't walk up to you today and say, I have been jealous, and a possessive freak, I have been a fool but you are all that ever mattered, and that's all that matters.

But the pride interferes, the fear says no one can love you, so it says, I don't need your love. Or you.

My pride like the little lost child, lies.

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33. What I wish I could say - I

People come and people go and as their lives touches ours, however infinitesimally, something changes irrevocably in us, and always for the better and we grow as a human being.

The words that escape me, lending voice to what my heart weaves and my head simplifies, have always been easy when they come from my fingers. And strangely enough words that I speak are not even close enough. I can never say. I am an introvert who cannot speak her heart even when she wants to. Oftentimes misunderstood, like possibly several of the kind, in my ability to mean something and enunciate something entirely different when with someone where the relationship is not just personal but symbiotic, social or professional.

But am I really an introvert? I can't say aloud but I can write! I always could write what I couldn't say, even if I wouldn't choose to give them words. So here is where I seek refuge.

---

K,

        I have admired you from afar. Hero-worshipped wouldn't be too wrong a word. For what you had achieved and of course, the work you did. But strangely enough I didn't know of the fame you'd been gathering. I started reading on your work because it was what I wanted to do, I realized. That part was a professional move, a career dream, to do what you will be motivated in.
        Then I met you. You gave me a chance for a thing that comes to you only once in life. You gave me a chance when others would have found reasons to turn me away. And i was going to make the best of it!
        I tripped so many times in my quest to impress you. Unsure of what you might be looking for, or indeed when you were looking on closely. I wanted to show you, you will never be disappointed in me. Because I am able and capable. I believe it.
        You are also my ideal as a woman. The career you have made, the family you nurture and the human being you are. Conversations with you has always been inspiring. Your nod of approval, always with a smile has always made me happy, made me feel I can push my limits farther. Your help, your insights and the faith you have shown in me has made me want to achieve much, much more than I had initially set out to do. It is now that I feel that I can do more, so much more and make you feel proud that I am your protégé.
        You are such an amazing person, a boss that reflects in the people who work for you, the family at the workplace, a throng of people from all parts of the world knitted so beautifully together.
        They say, you are too kind. So I have seen. I don't want it to be kindness towards me that will let me stay on but the faith that I will be great for all of us. But then I think even if it is just kindness for the time being, I'll take it as another chance to prove to you that I am, I will be an asset, to you, to us, to what you have created, something you'll always be glad about.
        It is your workplace, the only place thousands of miles away from the only home I have ever known that makes the journey worthwhile. All the times spent on this continent with T notwithstanding, this is where I feel happy.
        There is no other place, no other boss I'd rather work for in the next few years for my cherished degree.

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32. More Gifts

Anniversary. For the day from when we have been together. It is sweetly embarrassing for me, but still so cherished. With everyone getting married around us, I'm not sure what I feel - jealous or sorry! But marriage is not the thing for you and I right now, and that's fine with me. As if marriage could give me what I yearn for most. You. 

But our anniversary was special. On the day, we both forgot!

What a riot! We laughed and cursed across hundreds of miles. Not that remembering would have changed a lot of things. But still...

But my gift arrived two weeks later. I could give so many chances at guessing. 

Jewelery? Clothes? Flowers? Chocolates?

Sometimes I find it disbelieving that I thought I knew what love should be like, is really like. I like any other girl would have be perfectly happy with either of the above. And wouldn't seek any deeper. But you showed me I cannot even fathom where the love even begins, forget where it goes on to...

You knew what I wanted, what I missed, you knew what I needed even when I didn't even say it aloud to myself!

This anniversary I got Harry Potter: The Complete Series.

I don't know what to say after that....

31. Mere Humans

It is human fallacy. Trapped in the machinations of a power I'd bow to, I'd understand but still let it take me under.

Time. How it crawls when you'd want nothing more than it to just speed up and take you away from where you don't want to be or take you to where you badly want to be! And how does it runs faster and faster, galloping away when you want nothing better than it to stop, stop and stay till you had your limitless fill!

There was a time when I used to just hear your voice. And I wished I could see you. Now that I see you, and hear you, I want to touch you. Just a fingertip across your smiling face. Just a single moment.

But I know that will not be enough. Now I know better. I want you, not just hear, not just see, not a single touch. But with me,wrapped around me! For now to eternity.

Is it human fallacy alone when I know it, understand it and welcome it? Is it a power over me or do I hold the power over it. That's what love does to you. Who said love makes you weak?

My love for you is my strength. My yearning for you.

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30. To the Musician of My Life

You never thought about 'Greatness'
You only ever thought about the 'Music'
And that's when I found the 'Greatness' in you...

Nothing needs to change...

Let your love and faith in
Music play on
And let my conviction in your
'Greatness' achieve its heights...

You don't have to believe me,
I believe what I saw in You
when I fell in Love....

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