14. An Old Story [Dated: 9th April 2009]

My first impulse was to write about these last days in my Masters, of being a student, of doing classes in a classroom. But I never have been good in being sad... and given the instances of the love lost between us fellow classmates... i don't even have the urge to write about it now. I will write someday and here only but not yet... let time and age first dull away the few poor and bitter memories... right now i'm sufferin' from hell of a hangover!

Right now i'm not sad about sayin' goodbye to all the (selective) wonderful people (close friends or not... sometimes the latter is better, especially if one tends to be gullible!) i've come across in my Department or our cherished Canteen (both of which really feels like home away from home!) because i know wherever we may be letting off, we'd be parting with all good thoughts and the wish in heart, that somehow or the other we'll be in touch... because i'd know, if we chance across each other some-far-away-day, by a road, we'll know each other and smile, talk and remember... because i believe we'll remember each one of us, no matter who we are, where we are and what we are...

Some hopes never change, you'll think with that matured and practical mind of yours, that childish dream which maybe even you had envisioned while leavin' school or college and know to be a thing that never comes true... but i do dream about that perfect world, and hope... (Don't tell me to grow up... being practical and rational is not one of my favourite things!)

Anyways, being maudlin is neither my style nor am i comfortable with it. Being happy, to me is my birth right... and i agree to duel anyone who says otherwise (verbal sparrin' only, please). It's my life and i refuse to spend it being despondent.

CAUTION: From here on this has progressively become more personal... if you have any qualms or have any tendency to be queasy over mushy stuff, take a U-turn... Keep off!!!

But then there goes my bluster... even i get so down sometimes that i cannot bear the weight of it. Then maybe it's because the experience is very new... for i never knew that love can be such that even the prospect of being away from the one feels like, like something's tearing and clawing at you from within, it's like being burned, scorched, only the wound doesn't show and there's no relief from the agony, for it's in the core of you, in the very essence of you!

I won't be upset, i won't be cryin', what is a year in a whole lifetime? There's the phone, Internet and what not, so what's the fuss! I will be talking to you on the phone, over the web cam, able to see you on my screen, hear your voice and...... i will want... i'll want to cross continents, to touch your face, that faint dimple on your cheek, the crinkles at the corner of your eyes when you smile... i will be wishin' for your arms to be around me, protecting me, sheltering me and loving me... A year will be gone in a blink of an eye and there we'll be, right next to each other in person. But i wonder, what will i do in that blink of an eye, in that moment... it's always your face i see beneath the closed eyelids, and crave to touch... And that moment will be longest of my life, if i can live through that, i'll live through anything. Sayin' soothin', big words are part of my attitude but whatever i say, all the platitudes are just that - platitudes... but please believe them, at least pretend to... those are more for my benefit than yours, love...

Hey, do you know what is the most important thing to me, love? You know what it is... (and no guys, you didn't guess right...) but the fact of the matter is i will fight away all of these, 'cause i know you hurt as much as i do, and i'd hate for you to hurt more thinkin' i'm sad (it is the same for me, too). So, no better incentive for me to stop here right now... but then you know, however glum i may become, i am happy for i have you. And since you are smiling as you read and yet feelin' that inexplicable sadness creep over you... let me get rid of the latter... honey, i am here for keeps, this naggin' "part" of your life is here to stay... and just a year and no more, i'm not gonna' give you that much space, hon'!!!

P.S. I didn't write this to make you sad, but just needed to. I'm going to delete this post anyway. I won't ever say it won't be hard being away from each other, but it's way better than not havin' what we found and have. And then don't at all be sad, after all what's just a year in a lifetime, our lifetime!!!

Be with me, love, G. (I can be brave, you know)

P.P.S. A story unfinished. Plans changed. Some knew, read these words, words of my hart, understood my pain. Today we are going to be together in our journey except that one month stretching over miles. A year to a month, not too bad. Even in different cities, being near you on the same continent, I will settle for that. For now. (29th June 2010)

13. A Month From Today

I promised I won't cry. Of course, I won't. 
What's a few days in a lifetime?

But seeing you on the hard, glowing surface, 
What will I do when I want to touch you? 

Reach out and brush my fingertips...

Only to meet the hardness, unwanted.

What shall I do, when the urge builds

To gather you in my arms, and not let go?

Every moment spent away from you, wasted

Every moment built towards when I'll next hear your voice

Every moment passed brings nearer the continents between us

On another side of the world, you will be

Me joining you there seems so far

Of course I won't cry, What's there to cry?

But what shall I do, when I miss you?

When I yearn for you?

When I need you here?

Over-reaction you'll say. I think so too.

But tell that to my heart, that never listens to my mind

Keeps feeling what need not be felt.

I know the logic, the practical of life.

But I never understand how to be away from you, and survive.

P.S. Words flow when it's about you. But never are enough for what is in me. Just wondering and thinking about today and the date, a month from now. 

12. Little Thoughts

It is so easy when it is you I am talking about. The thorns don't disappear, but the fragrance of the roses remain, vivid and real as I walk along the path, no more bare-footed but shielded against the harshness of the some-broken but paved path. Life is so much more fun when I have you as my witness to all my trials and tribulations, joys and happiness, success and revelations.

I have never been in love before. But it is as if I have always loved you.

You make me feel like I can fly...

Some old lines penned so casually, but felt so deep within...........

Crude yet simple
No complications, no strife
A new page, a new leaf
A newly discovered life...
~
A little of a lot

Or a lot of a little

Wanting never ceases

Nor the need goes

Can feel the shivers spreading

From my heart to my toes...

~

My mind barely agrees

The heart rarely relents

But they never argue

When I dream about you...

~

I dream with closed eyes

I fantasize with them open

And you didn't reach them

But surpassed, and deepen...

With Love.

11. Either-Or?

People and their idiosyncrasies. Some have really passed the point where they can just be excused as the eccentricities of the different.

An individual cannot have a favourite sport if his nation (country of citizenship, rarely of birth, after all the latter is something we are always trying to live down) doesn't participate in it. To hell, with rest of the world.


And of course, just because you're following the other sport, it is understood that you are unaware of the glory that your nation brings you. You just cannot if you enjoy a sport in which your nation doesn't participate. Didn't you know, your attention and information span doesn't even cover the range of a teaspoon?

Then, you cannot laud your favourite sport without demeaning another just because the one that is your favourite has been (for now or always had been) overshadowed by the other sport! So snub the others who don't share your favourite. Otherwise how else will your choice gain prominence over others?

It always comes down to comparisons and a case of either-or, so challenged we are in our outlooks that we do not understand that there is room for more than one interest in our lives. And of course, another person doesn't come and agree with us, we have to challenge them, we are nothing on our own. Always seeking approval for what we like, what we believe, what we are (?)... Do they even understand how their own mindsets come across?

What will it take to broaden the outlook? To understand the sun doesn't rise and set with your choices or ideas... What will it take to understand that it is not about right/wrong or either/or but there can be so many combinations of individuals other than the high-and-mighty you?

10. After-Before

Why do all the Women (heroines) in Indian serials (and movies) after getting married (fighting a losing battle, trudging across so many tribulations) always change into an entire different persona than before?

Why do they have to give up on the jeans and the trousers, and kurtas and tops always to start wearing only the sarees, in the most traditional way, in the most traditional look as if   given that, no one doubts the authenticity or the integrity of the bahu?

Is it that, with big words spouting of our mouths, we haven't really changed an iota in our outlook towards the women of our society? Are we no better than before? Do the "dress-codes" still make us judge the women accordingly? Is there still no freedom? Is it a true reflection of our own attitude towards the brides and daughters-in-law?