27. 20

Has there been this conflict ever?

I have never lived 20 days that have been so agonizingly long and so excruciatingly short.

Home is where you are. But this is home, too.

For once I can't want, won't want, how can you when it's either-or?

26. It is here

He leaves for Chicago today.
The 20 days in between seem infinite.
Seeking solace thinking at least we will be on the same landmass, the same country!
But is it the same... No, not at all!
It's all in the mind, I know but how well it is ensnared in it! Amazing!

I can't wait to be near you, as near as it is possible. Then I can't wait to be with you. And even then, I can't wait to be yours!!

Funny isn't it, you think you can be happy with a small thing, and when you get that in your hands, you want another small thing... So, I'll skip all the steps in between and want us together... something that you and I, both want.

I love you, darling... Have a safe trip, take care and be happy. I am just behind you while always being with you...
Live, my heart.... and the world will be at your, our feet... Live, really really live!
I love you so, soo much!

25. It's Just Another Day For You

How many times do we have just another day?

Daily chores, old habits, monotonous tasks, forgotten jobs, procrastinated regrets, bitter minds, irritated mood, wake the mornings, sleep the nights, meals in between, for another tomorrow, another 'just another day'....

Whilst someone somewhere turns his life upside down...

And someone cries her heart out....

Someone gets tied in knots, speechless for lack of words....

A lack of words for words that were never expressed, a lack of words for the surge of feelings that were never defined....

A brave, unwavering smile that collapses just when you get out of sight, eyes that burn to see your sad smile, tears that are courageous so as not to fall before you, giant words that are empty but hold the world straight...

Yeah, we are stupid, we are fools, miss the fleeting, the flight of time... 

Indeed, we are fools, living life in moments, moments of happiness, pain and love...

Can't wait for the time to pass, and then will suddenly want to rewind...

Oh, we are fools alright, fools in life, fools in love....

And oh so foolish, to be happy being a fool!

Oh, it's just another day for you....

For me? I wish I could tell....

No, I am not sad, I just don't know what I am.... 
Not today....

A 'just another day', a day like no other before...

---

24. Helpless

Have you ever felt the urge to bash some one's head in and the feelings churning inside you, turbulent yet that you can do nothing about and just watch impotently as the person you love gets hurt time after time?

Have you ever felt the need to avenge, to protect... and the need of it a boiling rage inside that would destroy you if you didn't act upon it. As if your love becomes a failure when you fail to protect, have nothing to do, can do nothing, it's your position to do nothing!

To hell with logic, rationalism, reason, I feel like hitting out, hitting hard but all the while knowing I can't do a damn effing thing about it!

It hurts when the person you love is hurt. It hurts worse when you can only watch from afar and cannot do one damn single thing.

I would have cried, shed tear after tear, if I could have relieved you of your pain. But I won't because you have to be brave. And I can make sure, you don't have to be brave alone, right?

I am right here, helpless and futile, but I am still here in any way that you need me.

Love you. Loads. Your pain is mine.

23. The Most Special Gift

My anger and my hurt, resulting from an idle mind, mostly are always directed towards the individuals I love. Them, who will listen to me rant and rage without so much as a tweep, but even they burst out sometimes, their patience cannot hold out against my pathetic outlet all the time.

This happened after a weekend when T went with his friends to a symposium in another state, to a renowned beach, which was a great excuse for them to be entertaining the occasional addictions the men manage to cultivate. However much I try not to be "the nagging wife", I am a woman with a woman's instincts and feel for things, and however much ever I may loathe reacting emotionally about it, I do, sometimes.

The bone of contention was the increased frequency of these occasional rendezvous. I will put my foot down when it starts getting out of hand, and not after it already has. And as much as a man needs mothering all his life, he really detests the word itself.

A fight ensued. And against his quiet, reserved and unbending will, I shouted in a not-so reserved manner.

Contrition comes to me fast, as I am not one who is happy shouting. Realization, though late, also makes its way into my hard head eventually.

I almost let him go away on his five-day trip with us angry with each other. With me angry with him. I didn't apologize. It wasn't as if we didn't talk to each other but I made sure he knew I was upset with him, especially knowing that, that it hurt him. I am not proud of what I did, wasn't then. I would confess to being conniving and hurtful, but in my poor, lame defense I can only say, I did it for him. If my hurt would transform into him refraining.

But if men don't understand women, women also don't always do a great job of understanding men.

I missed him when he was not with me.

He had his share of fun. We share. He told me of all that had transpired, filmy fights, broken bones, rough sea, bathing escapades, upset stomachs and knowing me, he only skimmed over the drunk and high nights, to which at least, I was matured enough not to harp on or show my blatant disapproval in the most roundabout manner.

And the issue was forgotten. (A simple thing becomes serious, only when you let it)

I was still angry at him, hurt because did I matter so less? Typical woman, isn't it?

I met him almost a week after he came back, both of us caught up in our respective jobs, from morning till night. We had a great time.

As we were about to leave, he pressed into my hand something misshapen, wrapped in plain white paper, tied with a rubber band, hardly two inches long and one inch wide. He smiled and told me to open it only when I got home, for him please? He knows how curious I can be. And with the instruction, don't squeeze it, a'right?

And I unwrapped it, the first thing I did when I got back home,

And in my palm lay the sea-shells.

"Have a great time, and travel safe! See if you remember to call me!"

"Guria!!"

"Okay, okay, try and call me! In all excitement, don't forget me, a'rite!"

"Guria, stop being ridiculous."

"Don't do those dratted things.... please!"

"I dunno... I might."

"You really don't care about me, do you?!!"

"How is that one thing related to the other?"

"I can't ask you not to indulge. You will never listen to me. You just don't give a damn about me."

"It's a guys' trip, Guria... one weekend doesn't make any of us an addict. And stop equating everything to what you are to me. Anyway, you know I'm going because I have never gone there before and it was you who told me that it is wonderful."

"That's my favourite beach in the world. Last time I had gone, hmm, can't even remember when, long back... when we were not jumping in the sea, I used to have the best time collecting sea-shells... If you can't really listen to me, at least do me a favour, don't go into the sea drunk, okay?"

"Guria...!!"

Those sea-shells are the best gift I ever got.

I stared at them for a long time, my hands were shivering with guilt. And with love and the happiness seeping through, as I remembered.

With those precious little sea-shells in my hand, I cried.

22. His Best Man

There are two actually.

Meeting them, separately for the first time was almost as worse as meeting the in-laws. Oh, and I haven't actually met the in-laws in the official capacity which is probably because in our society, we meet "officially" at a max of a year to six months before the actual marriage, and we are to get married not in the next four years!

But best friends are a different matter altogether. Their stamp of approval is needed at the inception, more than the parents'. Or so I believe.

Now I am a very gregarious, extrovert, out-spoken, out-going, witty... blogger. Only. Meet me in real life, you will have to twist me for words. I am shy, an introvert, seemingly cannot string two words together and yeah, dumb too! Especially when meeting new people I lose my tongue and become a witless scatter-brain.

So imagine my state when I was to meet each of his best men. Anticipating meeting his friends was an ordeal, and I was visibly nervous before both the meetings.

My observations, once when I used to The Cynic, were my only tools in approaching the impending disaster it was bound to be.

Firstly, though of course, you will tell me otherwise, I don't consider myself remotely beautiful or even, pretty. First strike against me, as I felt, a good-looker goes a long way in befuddling a man's brain long enough to hinder him in looking beyond the superficial. No one's fault, it is just the way it is.

Secondly, befuddling the brain wearing skimpy dresses don't work. Because when the best friend feels the blood draining out of his brain, that is strike two, as this is not the girl he is going to allow his friend to be with. For leisure, or a week, that's more than fine but a lifetime, no way!! Men are strange that way.

Thirdly, I just detest being put on show, to be judged: nice, good, sexy or merely passable!

But I was newly in love. I hadn't thought much of it.

And my subconscious was busy struggling with another set of problems.

Boys, the ones especially friends for a long time, tend to begrudge the time their newly engaged friend spends with his girlfriend. This is something that I haven't really seen among girls but among the younger guys, it is very rampant. And after some time, the more serious the relationship, or more loyal or doting (are those the words?) the guy is, the worse are the reactions of the friends.

So it was like me facing the gallows, waiting for the judge to bang on his gavel!

But the funny thing that happened was, the love those two guys have for T, okay okay not love, he glares at me I use the word 'love' ("We do not love each other...Men don't love other men!" accompanied by rolling eyes)... So, what happened was the bond that they share, the friendship or whatever you call it (I still call it 'love', being a woman I have no problem with copious usage of any L-word) was extended to me without an extra thought. They cared for me because their best friend did, because he was in love with me, and that was enough for them. And not for a single moment did they judge me. They liked me even before they'd met me, and meeting me strictly was just that, meeting me. No judgement, no verdicts nothing.

By being in love with a wonderful man, got me friends too, ones for life.

And when I bared all to him, he was taken aback, "So, what's the big deal? You expected, what?" Of course, I realised, he didn't know what privilege and honour his best friends had bestowed on him, on me, because he would have done the same. That's why they were best friends.

And it is hard to keep on being a Cynic, when you cannot apply your cynicism.

Today, I am best buddies with both the crackpots!

One of them is a computer geek and a composer-guitarist and the other a football fanatic and a bizwhiz... One of them is totally opposite to T, and hence just like me, the other was the one who introduced blogs and Blogger to me, and was my first reader too. Both are as crazy- one madly, one philosophically- as me, and as brilliant too.

And the real thing is, they are no more just Ts but are My Best Men, too.

(Erm, I think they might be a bit disagreeable about the term "Maid of Honour")

21. Does Crying Make You Weak?

Are there only black and white,

And never any shades of grey?

Or is it just me who never can be right?

Or is it me, hard-headed and thick,

Who hurts the one who means everything?

Hurts the one who means the most?

And gets then hurt, wounded, bruised too.

I think I am no good-

Or may be just not enough...

Trying to be perfect and true

Losing it all, like the spin of a wheel

Am I pathetic or just undeserving?

Or is it just not meant to be me,

The harder I try, the deeper I fall

Into a crevice that's all my fault?

I want the most, I want the best

But it never falls in with the rest...

I keep trying, and I keep trying

But at the end of the day, I wonder,

Am I not enough the way I am?

---

P.S. When you hurt and he hurts, you cannot make it go anywhere but inwards. It is love. Painful, foolish but love. When the words come and purges your soul... And of course, then is when you discover how stupid your wayward thoughts are. :)

20. Locked

You could feel the heart stutter,
Stop, and beat into a flutter
The tentative brush anticipating, cautious
The heat spreading all over and across,
Just the moment before
The instincts take over.
The eyes close, lashes whisper against the skin,
Feeling surges, undefined, uncontrolled,
Sensation after another crashing through-
An unknown, a stranger but a bliss
There's a Freedom the touches bring,
Being Locked in a Kiss...

---

19. Things to Do

Make a checklist.
Tick them off.
Go shopping.
Dump them in bags.
Pack. Pack, pack!


Where are the papers?
Where's the cash?
Take 'em, take 'em.
All documents
Rolled up and stashed.


Busy to and fro,
Meeting last minutes,
Arranging, rummaging,
Nothing forgotten,
All done.


And I am ready to go.


Then the furor
Comes to standstill.
And I see,
The time is gone
Without telling me.


And I forget to say,
Whatever I am
Is because of You.
I love You. I love you.
Before I fly away.

18. Five Things

Peace
Happiness
Health
Family
Love


Success? All of the above.


Wonder? You.


Perfect.